In This, With You
by Caera1996
Summary: A sequel to "With You", which can also be found on this site. This story takes place four months later, with Bones trying to gain everything back he feels he lost after the attack.


Title: In This, With You  
Author: Caera1996  
Rating: R  
W/C: 2,703  
Disclaimer: Not mine.  
Summary / Note: I wrote this as a sequel to "With You", which is a story about the care of someone (Bones) directly after a rape, and is also up on this site. This takes place four months later, with Bones trying to gain everything back he feels he lost after the attack. I originally meant for it to provide a sense of closure, but it didn't really end up like that. Which, given the topic, I suppose is accurate if not as "literarily" appealing. **Please note, this story is about the emotional healing process of someone who was raped. There is nothing graphic at all, but please don't read it if you think it'll bother you.**

* * *

Leonard lay in bed, clutching the blanket and trying to regulate his heart rate by taking deep breaths. He could hear Jim moving around in the bathroom, heard the water…he was taking a water shower.

_Good, I have more time,_he thought, and then automatically berated himself for thinking that and feeling the way he did. This was Jim. Jim, who'd been his rock since…it…happened. Four months now. Four months of Jim putting up with his ridiculous mood swings, the nightmares, and hearing the story of what happened…over and over again. Jim had wanted him to talk to someone…to make use of one of the qualified psychologists on the ship. Leonard knew he should, but he just couldn't. So he talked to Jim – and just like that first horrible night, Jim was there.

In the very beginning, he'd struggled through submitting to the series of sessions with a counselor in order to be cleared for duty again. He had to get back to work. He couldn't handle doing nothing, with nothing but his memories to haunt him all day. Nights were bad enough. It was humiliating, but he knew what to say and how to say it, so at least he was able to get clearance relatively quickly. Jim, though, who knew him better than anyone, could see right through him and called him on it.

"You need to let someone help you, Bones. No one is supposed to get over something like this by himself. I can't have you on staff if you can't function, and I need you," Jim had said earnestly. He took Leonard's hand. "_I_need you."

Leonard heard him, understood what he was saying, but it was too hard. It was too much to ask. Too impossible to consider. "I _can't_Jim! I just…I can't." He hung his head, shame and embarrassment heating his face and making it impossible to look Jim in the eye.

Back then, Leonard had thought this had ruined him…that it made him less than who he was. He was disgusted and sickened and…so hopeless.

"Bones," Jim said, reaching out to touch him comfortingly, a gentle hand on his shoulder. "Will you let me help you? Will you talk to me?"

That was four months ago. And Leonard felt like he'd been getting better. Steadily. What had happened wasn't at the forefront of his thoughts anymore. He could get through an entire shift without it crossing his mind once. He hadn't gone on another away mission yet, but there hadn't been many opportunities since then. Nights were still…difficult. Especially if his shift and Jim's didn't line up. Though Jim must've talked to Spock, because after that one gamma shift that Leonard spent on the Bridge with Jim instead of trying to sleep, they had.

And while Leonard was grateful for that, he still struggled with the humiliation of knowing that Spock _knew_…hell, that probably most people in this tin can knew….why his shifts were cut back for so long while he was trying to get himself back together. He dealt with it though, ignoring the sympathetic glances and the whispers, and eventually it either stopped, or he'd just learned to ignore it.

And he was getting better.

_Yeah, if you're so much better, why are you cowering under the blankets?_he thought derisively. But he knew why. A little more than four months, and though they'd shared a bed, all they'd used it for was sleep. Tonight, Leonard had planned to change that. He thought he was ready. Right up until now, he thought he was ready. He wanted to be. He didn't want what had happened to him to take this away from him…from them. And he missed it…the physical closeness he'd shared with Jim.

But now, knowing what he'd planned to initiate and Jim minutes from joining him, he was fighting against a rising panic. Jim didn't know what he'd planned tonight, and had no idea he was lying in bed in just boxer shorts. Up to now, he'd been going to bed in a t-shirt and sweatpants, and to make sure he remained unstressed, so had Jim. Jim, who'd had no problem prancing around their shared dorm room naked, now made sure he was dressed before coming out of the bathroom, like Leonard was some fragile damsel who'd faint at the sight of a naked body.

Which, to be truthful to himself, he did feel like he was about to faint, damsel or not.

Just when he was contemplating jumping out of bed and getting dressed as he usually did, he heard the door to the bathroom open, and moments later Jim was coming around the room divider.

"Hey Bones…" Jim started with a smile that slowly faded when he got a look at him. "What's up? You okay?"

He didn't know what to say. He was embarrassed and uncomfortable, and feeling exposed. He really wanted another sixty seconds to himself so he could get dressed. But he didn't want to admit that. Not knowing what to say, how to express what he was feeling…and not wanting to, he just shook his head, closed his eyes so he wouldn't have to see the concern in Jim's, and lay there stiffly, hiding under the blanket.

Jim watched him for a moment, seeing that he was stressed and struggling, but unsure as to why. Over the last months, there'd been more than a few times that Bones had done something like this…withdrawn into himself, become silent, and try to shut Jim out. But this time, Jim could tell, was more than just that. Something was wrong. Keeping his eyes on Bones, Jim eased himself down on the bed, moving to sit cross-legged over the blanket. Bones opened his eyes when he felt movement to watch Jim, but didn't pull away more. Encouraged, Jim gave him a comforting smile.

"Whatever it is, Bones, I'm here. What can I do?"

Leonard closed his eyes again, letting out a breath in a whoosh. Jim was…is…so good to him. He didn't deserve it.

"It's stupid…I'm an idiot," he said, turning his head away again. He wished he could just disappear.

Jim's heart ached for Bones. He hated to hear him sound so defeated, so…sad. And this was something they'd been struggling with the whole time, since that fateful night, the loss of his sense of self-worth. Jim didn't understand it, couldn't understand what Bones was going through. All he could do was whatever he could to help him. He'd read text after text on the psychology of victim recovery, and the words on the page didn't even touch the brutal reality of what Bones was dealing with, what Jim had to watch him deal with, every day. But they'd get through it…he'd help Bones any way he could…even if it was two steps forward, one step back the whole way.

"It's not stupid, and you're not an idiot," Jim said, gently but firmly. And then he waited. That had been the hardest part for him…learning to shut up and let Bones get to the point of talking on his own. He didn't need to hear over and over again that he would listen, he could tell Jim anything he wanted. Bones knew that. He just had to get there, and pushing him didn't help. So Jim sat quietly, listening to their breathing, just waiting.

Some of the panicky feelings that had taken over were subsiding, leaving Leonard feeling a little ridiculous. Relinquishing his grip on the blankets, he reached out and touched Jim's arm, then slid his hand down, catching his fingers. Jim smiled, and threaded their fingers together. He noticed that Leonard wasn't dressed for bed as he usually was, and figured that had something to do with what was going on…why he was so upset. But he didn't say anything about it, figuring Bones would tell him when he was ready.

"Lie down with me?" Leonard said after a moment, ignoring the unease he was still feeling. Jim had showed him time and time again that he would only ever do exactly what Leonard wanted. And he wanted the comfort of being held.

"Definitely," Jim replied.

He flipped up a side of the blanket and lay down, but not reaching to touch him. Not yet. Jim stayed on his side of the bed, laying on his back with his hands folded on his stomach, head turned towards Bones. They lay quietly for a few moments until Leonard took a deep breath and moved closer to him, turning on his side. He desperately wanted physical comfort, but still balked at asking for it, at initiating it. That had never been a problem before, but now…now there was a part of him that wondered _how_Jim could want him like that anymore.

Seeing Bones' intention and what he wanted, but couldn't bring himself to ask for, Jim mirrored his position and reached for him, curling an arm over his shoulder. Under the blankets, Leonard brought his feet in contact with Jim's. They lay like that, touching at those two points, quietly for a couple of minutes. Leonard felt his heart beat even out, Jim heard his breathing calm. And still Jim remained quiet, waiting. And after another moment, Bones looked up, meeting his calm gaze.

"I…I thought we could…" Leonard stopped, embarrassed.

"You can tell me anything," Jim said quietly.

Leonard had to smile at that. "I know I can. You've been…amazing. So good to me." He reached across the space still between them to gently touch Jim's head, tenderly run his fingers through the hair at his temple. And Jim silently rejoiced. This was the most physical contact they'd had, that Bones initiated, in four months.

After another couple of moments, Leonard took a deep breath, and let it out slowly. "We've not…been together since it…it happened. I just…really missed that. And I thought, maybe we could…but then I kind of panicked," he admitted.

Jim didn't know what to say. He was surprised – Leonard hadn't expressed any interest in doing anything at all except sleep in bed. He hadn't even liked to kiss while lying there. And to jump from nothing at all to maybe having sex? No wonder he was feeling a little freaked out.

Leonard was watching his face carefully, then a curtain seemed to come down over his eyes and his expression shuttered.

"You don't want to," he said, his voice flat. He started to pull away, a cold knot of loss forming in his chest, making it hard to breathe properly. Of course Jim didn't want to. After what had happened, after seeing him like that…like this. Jim could be with anyone. Why would he want to be involved with someone who was…just…broken? He blinked back tears and closed his eyes. "I understand."

"What? No…Bones….no." Jim struggled for the right words as Leonard turned away from him. "It's not that I don't want to be with you. Not at all. God, not at all. I love you. I miss being with you. I _want_to be with you. But only when you're ready…only then," Jim added quickly when Leonard turned back to look at him. "I just…you surprised me. I wasn't expecting it. And I…I wasn't sure what to say," he admitted. He'd promised Bones that he'd always tell him the truth about what he was feeling, and Bones had promised the same. That had become so, so important to both of them through this whole process. And Jim leaned on that now. "I never wanted you to feel pressured, so I never talked about it. And you never talked about it, so I figured you didn't want to yet. And that's fine. I need you to understand that, Bones. I want to be with you, but only when you want it, and I'm willing to wait as long as you need."

Leonard was quiet for a moment, absorbing that. Jim still _wanted_to be with him. That was…really good to hear. And he thought about what Jim was saying…and realized he was right. Of course this would've been a surprise to him. He was completely right, and he said so.

"I didn't think of it like that," Leonard said. "I think I sometimes forget that as…not normal…as things have been for me, they're not normal for you either. You just make me feel...like me. I feel like myself when we're together. And…safe. I feel safe with you."

Jim smiled at that, so happy to hear it. Because he hadn't been sure he was doing things right, but to know that he could have that effect on Bones, especially now, lightened his heart.

"I want to be with you again, but…maybe I'm not as ready as I wanted to be," Leonard admitted.

"That's okay, Bones. Our relationship isn't going anywhere. _I'm_not going anywhere," Jim said fervently. "Please believe me. I love you, and we're in this. No matter what."

Leonard let out a breath, and looked up, meeting Jim's eyes. "I do believe you. And even though I may have jumped ahead a couple of steps, I do want to be with you. I'm tired of the way things have been." He reached out, and tugged at Jim's t-shirt. "So, maybe we could…do other things?"

Jim smiled, his eyes warm. Sitting up, he pulled his shirt off and lay back down, letting Bones be the one to decide what they were going to do. Still feeling a little hesitant, Leonard propped himself up on his elbow and looked down at Jim…taking a minute to feel and name the emotions roiling through him right now. Inexplicable nervousness and discomfort, but also incredible love and certain trust. The first two he was determined to put away. He clung to all of the positive feelings that he associated with Jim, and after another moment cupped his face, tracing his lips with his thumb.

Jim closed his eyes as the gentle touch. And when Bones' lips pressed softly, hesitantly against his, his heart soared even as his eyes flooded with tears behind his lids. Up until now, he just didn't know if anything was going to ever be the same again, and he'd been trying so hard to come to terms with that.

And maybe it wouldn't. Maybe their relationship would always be a little different because of that horrible event. But however it ended up, with that one simple kiss, Jim's hope for not only the two of them…but more for Bones – that he would regain some of what he'd lost – felt more substantial. More real, and less like a wish. It would happen.

Without thinking, lost in the feel of Bones kissing him again, even as chaste as this kiss was, Jim's arms came up around him, and he forced them to roll slightly, so that they were side by side instead of Bones being over him.

When Leonard felt Jim holding him, and then roll them to the side, his heart stuttered in his chest and a wave of heat washed over him and he at once felt disconnected and hyper-aware of everything that was happening, and suddenly, he couldn't breathe.

He broke off the kiss and went from holding Jim's shoulders to trying to push him away. "J-Jim… I can't. I can't."

Hearing his distress, Jim let him go right away. "I'm sorry Bones, I'm sorry," he said, listening as Bones took a deep, shaky breath. "I shouldn't have…"

"Not your fault, Jim. God_damnit_! I just want to be normal. I want things to be normal again! I'm so sick of being…this."

"Bones…it's okay," Jim said. And then Bones was turning back to him, wrapping his arms around Jim and clinging to him. Jim gently petted his head, drew his hands down his back. "It's okay. I love you. You got me, and you always will. It's okay."

They lay like that, Bones allowing Jim to hold him and comfort him in a way that he hadn't for so long, and Jim knew – could feel it – that everything he was saying was true. Even when Bones didn't think so, or felt overwhelmed, he _would_ be okay, and they'd get there together.


End file.
